(Photo by Selma Komisky)

WARNING: THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS CONTENT FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

Our Note to Guys: What We Would Say

By Sarah and Selma Komisky

QUESTION: What would you say was not OK to the guy that mistreated you and how would you have liked him to do things differently?

“He has told you, O man, what is good; and what the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God.”

– Micah 6:8 (ESV)

This is our prayer for you.

SURVEY ANSWERS:

“It is not okay to use fear or intimidation as a weapon  in your relationship. It is not okay to tear her apart with your words to make yourself feel better. It is not okay stake a claim to another person and convince her she has no other options. And just because you may not hit her physically, doesn’t mean your behaviors or actions don’t have an impact on her well being. It is not okay to emotionally destroy her. I would’ve have liked him to help me believe that my relationship was MY choice and not something I felt bullied into maintaining. I would’ve liked his behaviors be those that made me feel protected instead of threatened and I would’ve liked him to make me feel safe instead of afraid.”

“To the guy who had mistreated me in the past I would say: don’t mess with someone’s feelings again. That is not okay. If you are not really interested in someone and you know they are really interested in you the best thing to do, though it will be hard on the person that likes you, is to step away. In the long run that person will hopefully look back and appreciate it. Never act like you are interested in someone when you’re not because it gives mixed signals and can lead to unnecessary pain and confusion. What I would have liked done differently would have been for him to not act like we were more than friends and if that wasn’t possible cut me off. Sure, looking back it would have really hurt if he had for sure, but I feel it would have been more beneficial than allowing things to go on the way they did, which only added to the pain and confusion.”

“I would let the narcissist who mistreated me know it’s not OK to neglect and discredit my thoughts, feelings, and dreams to manipulate me to think it’s all about you. It was unfair to let me give you so much emotionally by supporting you, and all you did was take from me. Self-centered behavior along with a lack of empathy for my needs and wants was not OK. I got lost in the charm and confidence of this guy. His words captivated me, but words need to be backed up with action. I had to see the reality of who the person was, not who I wanted them to be. The best thing I could do is walk away because everything could not be one-sided. The best thing this person could have done was owned his wrong behavior and stop performing, it played too much with my heart. Being honest hurts more but I would rather have had the real thing than something that isn’t real.”

“Treat me as your sister – if you wouldn’t say or do something to or around your sister than don’t do it to me! I deserve honor and respect even when having challenging or difficult conversation.”

“To the guy that mistreated me: It was disrespectful and hurtful of you to seek healing and approval by flirting and meeting other girls after we decided to break up. True healing, wholeness, and affirmation of value and identity can ONLY come through abiding in Christ (John 15). Instead of having many girl relationships, I wish you would draw closer to God and intentionally and actively seek out men’s small Groups and wise, godly male mentors (Proverbs 13:20).”

“I would say it’s really bad when a guy doesn’t respect personal boundaries, and just assumes it’s ok to start putting his hands where they don’t belong, just because we’ve been cuddling and kissing a little bit.  It’s an invasion and can be very frightening.  I’ve experienced this, myself, when I was a single, young woman.  I told him no.  And fortunately, he stopped.  Instead of an apology, he said he thought I was willing because we were seeing a movie!  This was a long time ago, but I remember it painfully well.  That was our first and last date.”

“Guys have looked at me as an object and it’s been a source of pain for me. I’m not an object, I have feelings. It actually attributed to me purposely dressing down just to prevent this type of behavior. I deserve the right to feel free and not be afraid to be a victim when I am not dressing inappropriately or doing anything wrong. I don’t want to be lusted over. See who I am. Value my personhood. Realize your lust makes me feel cheap, dirty, and shameful. I want to stop feeling afraid when I dress up or put makeup on. I don’t want to feel like beauty is dangerous and I don’t want to be a victim anymore. Stop the dirty looks. The catcalling. The harassment. The flirting. It makes me feel less than I am and its unfair I have to be the victim. Before you treat me this way, I would say to think about how it’s shaming me. I am more than that and wish you would take time to see it. Get to know for who I am, not what I look like. It makes me feel like my true self isn’t seen.”

“This wasn’t a boyfriend, but this was a male. He told me to stop overreacting and being so emotional. I would’ve liked him to say, ‘hey, I’m here to listen.’”

“To the men in the workplace that felt it was OK to sexually harassment me just because I was a male dominated field, I say you had no right. I was not hired because of my looks. I was hired for my credentials, of which my physical appearance, dress, and look have nothing to do with. I would want to let these men know sexual harassment is never OK and that a female is in no way inferior just because of her sex. She is capable. Recognize her. Welcome her. Do not demean her. Overall, respect her.”

“It was not OK to blame me for you physically abusing me. I didn’t make you do it. I would prefer you left the room and took some time for yourself to get it together when you felt you couldn’t control your anger.”