(Photo by Selma Komisky)

Grace Greater Than My Doubts

By Lexi

2020, what a crazy year that was! Who else found this past year extremely challenging? I know I did, but not in the way you would think. Yes, the lockdowns and restrictions were not fun at all, but what I went through that year is about something a lot different than Covid. Let’s jump back to the hardest year of my life to take a look at the grace given to me from God.

It was the end of May, when I finished reading Psalm 23 and I decided to go into the kitchen to check my phone. Little did I know that this decision would affect the next few months of my life. As I checked my phone, I saw on the internet that a Christian singer just recently recanted his faith in Jesus. In that moment, I was thinking thoughts like, “I would never do that! How could this guy not believe that the Bible is true!” As these thoughts stirred in my head, one thought creeped up on me, and I was definitely not prepared for it. 

I accepted Christ into my heart when I was 5, but for years I never really thought about the reason why I believed in Him, nor did I ever doubt that He existed. But in that moment, for the first time in my life, I thought, “What if God isn’t real and the Bible isn’t true?” As the next two months progressed, the question kept popping up in my mind and I began my journey of finding answers.

For years, my family and I have been wanting to move out of California, but it wasn’t until Covid hit when we finally decided to get the ball rolling. After months of searching, we finally found a house in South Dakota, and went out to visit the town in August. During this 25-hour road trip, my questions started to turn into doubts. I literally was trying to battle my doubts the entire road trip. I just kept thinking “But what if?” When we visited this town, I went to a youth conference that a church was holding. You all, it literally was the most amazing experience ever! There was worship and a speaker, but I did not expect the alter call at the end. It was held for anyone who wanted to surrender their life back to Christ. I decided to go up to the front, and then I got on my knees and started to pray. As I was doing this, I began to strongly feel the presence of the Lord and I began to cry. Nobody knew who I was or what I was going through, but God did! And because He knew what I was going through, He gave a vision about me to someone at the conference.

The lady, whom I have never met in my life, came up to me and said that she saw a wall in front of me, which I now know was my doubt. She then saw me trying to climb over this wall to reach God’s hand that was extended out to me. God was saying to me in the vision, “You are almost there, you got this; keep going.” I now know that He was talking about how I wanted to believe in Him, but I still felt like I couldn’t fully trust Him. Then in the vision, the enemy started to shoot darts at me and these darts caused me to fall. I now know that those darts are the lies that the enemy put into my head. But what got me over this wall, was that I was standing on the Word of God and it lifted me over. My doubts didn’t go away after that experience. They just continued to taunt me because I just didn’t feel like I believed, even when I said that I did. And then there were times, where I just couldn’t say with absolute certainty that God is real. Each day I would be trying to seek the Lord and find answers. It was definitely emotionally draining because I was so worried that I would go to hell. It wasn’t until the beginning of October when I finally realized that I didn’t have to rely on my feelings, but I could rely on my faith! I didn’t have to know, I just had to believe!

So as my “religion” started to turn into “relationship,” I started to read the Bible a whole lot more, and guess what? That prophesy about the Bible lifting me over the wall came true, because I began to stop doubting after I got back into the Word of God! So what does my experience of doubting have to do with God’s grace? Well, Jeremiah 29:13 says, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” God showed grace to me by revealing Himself to me through my doubting. I finally was able to give an answer to why I believe in Jesus! Because I was truly seeking Him and desperately trying to find Him, He showed grace to me, even though I didn’t deserve it! By Him revealing Himself to me through a vision was grace! I am so not deserving of His grace, but He gave it to me, and I know that He can give it to you too!

If you are struggling with doubt, all you have to do is call out to God for Him to come and rescue you! And, trust me, He will! It might not be right away, but He eventually will! And now I realize that this testing of my faith is the reason why I am closer to God than I have ever been in my life. God doesn’t want us to be lukewarm, so don’t put off the decision to choose Him. Instead, seek the Lord diligently, and grace will be shown unto you.